A Secret Struggle



We have all been there....you look in the mirror and zero in on your double chin, the extra padding around your midsection, the cellulite. It is, I believe, completely normal to have these thoughts from time to time. But for me, there was a period in my life where these thoughts were all-consuming. All I thought about was how "bloated and fat" my stomach looked, or the jiggle that came from my thighs.

Ever since I can remember, I have struggled with body image issues. In my late teens/early 20s, I put on a lot of weight, however around my mid-20s I started to get into physical fitness and nutrition. I went from a size 14/16 to a size 0, and was extremely active. So you would think that when I looked in the mirror I would feel beautiful, sexy and confident, right? That couldn't be further from the truth. I was obsessed with becoming "skinny" and thought about the food I consumed constantly. If I ate something bad for me, I would beat myself up. I would spend extra time in the gym to work off the extra calories. It wasn't until I started using laxatives as a means to eliminate the bad food that I had eaten did I finally admit to myself that I had a problem. I was suffering from body dysmorphia along with an eating disorder.

I felt stuck in this prison of my own making. In bondage to food and a slave to this unattainable, unhealthy view of how I thought I should look. I didn't know how to break free from these obsessive and all consuming thoughts. It wasn't until I admitted I had a problem and started to seek help that I started the process of healing. I prayed every single day for God to heal me, to transform my view of myself and to set me free from this bondage that I had been in for so long.

When I started toying with the idea of doing a figure competition, my biggest worry wasn't if I would be able to do it or not. My worry was slipping back into the unhealthy habits I had been held captive to most of my life. I knew that the majority of prep would center around eating habits, but I also wanted to challenge myself. I decided to move forward with the competition, and it has honestly been one of the healthiest decisions I have made. It has been so crazy to experience something so centered around your physique be the thing that has really altered my thinking towards my body image and approach to food. I recently looked back at pictures from when I was at my lowest weight, and I was disgusted that I had allowed myself to get to that point. I did not look healthy. I looked frail and unhappy.

Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with these unhealthy thoughts. These past few weeks in particular have been the most challenging for me thus far. Since breaking my wrist, the intensity of my workouts has decreased, and I found myself feeling "fat" and "ugly" as a result. I caught myself looking at myself in the mirror and starting the negative self talk. But then I remind myself that I am not that person. I am strong. I am beautiful.

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